Episode 098

• Listen/ download: http://boundless.typepad.com/podcast/2009/12/098-the-boundless-podcast.html
• Blog post: http://www.boundlessline.org/2009/12/wishin-and-hopin-and-being-intentional-episode-98.html

Lisa Anderson: We are opening up today’s inbox, and I have Candice on the phone. Hey Candice!

Candice Watters: Hi Lisa!

Lisa:  Hi!

Candice: [Laughing] I’m just back from Christmas shopping at the Focus [on the Family] bookstore.

Lisa:  Oh! Well that is the place to do it, you know.

Candice: It is. There’s a ton of good gifts over there.

Lisa:  That’s great. So I think we should just tell everyone, wherever you are, come to the Focus bookstore this Christmas season and do all your shopping.

Candice: I just have two words: screw tape.

Lisa:  Oh yeah. Isn’t that one word?

Candice: [Laughing] I think so.

Lisa:  Okay. So we’ll get Candice a Hooked on Phonics and the rest of you can get Screwtape from us. Order it at FocusOnTheFamily.com. That is awesome.

Okay we’re going to answer a question for Sherry here.

Candice: Okay, bring it on!

Lisa:  She says… This is good to know, I’m glad to see that people are in their churches getting things done. Because she says:

I’ve been getting to know a guy as a friend, but have been conversing with some of my sisters in the church about this crush that I have on him. A couple of them brought up a point that I need to be careful and protect my heart because I do not even know him.

So far, I would eventually say “yes” if he did pursue a relationship with me, but how long and how well do you believe you should know a person before you start to date them? Also, what sorts of things should someone be looking for during friendship with a person to determine if they’re the kind of person that might make a good spouse? And lastly, is it wrong, shallow or unwise that I was attracted to him as quickly as I was?

Candice: Okay. I may have to have you remind me of these parts, these multi-part questions are a challenge for me; I’m not taking notes.

But I will say that the last part first. People have, you know, that sort of flash-in-the-moment responses to people all the time. I don’t think that’s atypical. So you have an immediate chemical reaction or an attraction to someone, that’s very normal. But you don’t go on that. Then you say “Well, I have to get to know this person because maybe they’re just really cute.”

So that’s where the intentionality comes in, and this is where I say there’s not a magical amount of time that you need to know someone before you know them well enough to start dating them. If you’re being intentional you could know after one or two conversations whether someone has the potential to be a good spouse.

So make the most of your interaction, make the most of your getting-to-know-someone friendship time. Ask questions that reveal who they are, that reveal their character. Don’t just waste the time being cheerily entertainment-oriented or recreational.

Lisa:  So what specifically, then, like her asking here, what would you say should she be looking for as she has conversations with this guy to determine if he has the potential?

Candice: Well, does he have a job? Does he make his rent payments on time?

Lisa:  And ladies, don’t underestimate that, okay? Let’s be honest.

Candice: You know, I’m talking to you, Lisa.

Lisa:  Oh, I know.

Candice: Is he still living with his parents? No, but seriously, is he a member of the church, is he a member in good standing, is he involved? Does he have relationships with other believers? What are his favourite movies, music? Does he read books, if so, what does he read? If he doesn’t read books, why not? I mean, ask about, you know, his family background. Does he have siblings, where does he fall in the family, what are his aspirations, what are his goals? I mean, you can ask a man about these things in conversation and most men really like to be asked about themselves and to have a woman be interested in what they’re thinking and what their hopes are for the future.

And so I think it’s important just to be very intentional about your interactions and let those conversations be deeper than the typical conversations.

Lisa:  And I think it’s even true—to establish that hey this is a date even on the front end, because otherwise you have the danger of getting into that weird friends quagmire. I mean, there’s no difference from being set up with someone that you mutually respect who says, “Hey, I think you two would be a good fit.” You can sit down across from them at a table and find out a lot about them.

Candice: And what’s up with these sisters in the church who are just asking the hard questions? They have a role to play too. Ask those women, “What do you think of him?” And if they say, “We don’t know him from Adam,” say, “Well could you help me find out? Could you ask around?” I mean, does he go to the church, if not, invite him to a church event. Enlist these women to help you. I’m assuming, it may wrongly so, that these are older married women, maybe they’re just peers and, you know, she doesn’t want to share. But if they are, like, her mentors, say, “Could you help me vet this guy and find out if he is a good candidate.”

And then I have to come back to that “protect the heart” phrase because this phrase keeps popping up in conversations. And I hear it most often when a man and woman are in a relationship that should be called dating, but someone is not wanting to call it that. And so they’re saying, “I want to protect your heart, so I’m not going to call it ‘dating’.” When all along, we know exactly what they’re doing is dating.

And I think we need to stop saying, “I’m protecting my heart,” and say, “My heart is out there, it’s exposed, and I’m hoping like crazy that this goes somewhere. So don’t blow it.” Whether it’s you saying that and being honest about what’s happening in your heart and saying, “No, I’m out there, my heart really is in this. And I’m hoping like crazy this will become a relationship.” Rather than pretending that by saying you’re protecting your heart that you’re somehow locking it up in a lockbox or something. That’s just not possible.

So hope, but then be intentional about it. And don’t let it drag on into this nebulous, just-friends zone where you really do stand to be hurt deeply.

Lisa:  Yeah, I think where it goes wrong is either when the woman basically starts establishing a relationship when there isn’t one there. And all of a sudden we have the, you know, naming of the kids and writing her name with his and all that stuff. And it’s like there is nothing objectively that looks like a relationship in this entire thing.

Or you have the guy’s end of it where, all of a sudden they are dating and they are going out, and then he pulls the whole, “What? We’re just friends.” And this girl put herself out there. And I’m like, no.

Well that is some good insight, Candice, and I think that will be helpful for many people who find themselves in this quagmire. I mean, people, if you are over the age of 20, you need to get out there and just dating these guys.

Candice: These guys, people, start asking the women out on dates. Make it official.

Lisa:  Exactly. Sit down across a table from one another over dinner where, guys, you are paying, and get to know this girl. Do not wallow in some kind of weirdness until, you know, you’re 45 and then you have to write to us and say, “Hey, what I do wrong?” [Laughter] Because who knows? I mean I’ll probably still be single by then, but Candice is going to be off doing who knows what, so…

Candice: Helping people get married, Lisa. That’s what I’m going to be doing.

Lisa:  Oh my goodness!

Well that’s good. Thank you so much Candice for joining us.

Candice: You’re welcome. It’s always a pleasure to talk to you, Lisa.

Lisa:  It is always a pleasure, it is.

As always, we want to hear from you: editor [at] boundless [dot] org.

Episode 095

• Listen/ download: http://boundless.typepad.com/podcast/2009/11/095-boundless-podcast.html
• Blog post: http://www.boundlessline.org/2009/11/purity-ring-fakeout-episode-95.html

Lisa Anderson: We are opening up this week’s inbox and I am in the studio with Candice. Hey Candice!

Candice Watters: Hi Lisa!

Lisa:  Good to see the whites of your eyes today.

Well this is going to be fun, because we actually received a question from a listener that I think is pretty interesting and I’m sure we’ll both have some opinions on it. So here we go.  She says:

I am 29 and still single. Since I was 14 I’ve worn a purity ring on my wedding-ring finger. I rarely take it off, but lately I’ve been wondering if it’s a hindrance to Christian guys to be wearing a ring on that finger. I’ve thought about wearing it on the other hand or just not wearing it at all.

I don’t want to prevent a conversation from happening if he sees I have a ring, leading him to think I’m already taken. On the other hand, I know that God knows the commitment I’ve made to remain sexually pure until marriage.

I know that my mentors and friends are looking out for godly men to introduce to me and they know that I’m available. And I know that God isn’t limited by my choice of jewellery. So should I even worry about it, or just trust Him completely to work in His own way and time, holding fast to my outward sign of an inner commitment?

Candice: Will the purity ring ward off the wedding ring? [Laughter] And I am here to say “yes”. Take the ring off! The ring is—

Lisa:  Oh my goodness, that is so controversial Candice. You just blazed me away. Okay, go ahead.

Candice: Lisa I see you wedding ring finger is naked.

Lisa:  It is.

Candice: The ring is a symbol, primarily to the wearer. It’s an outward symbol of your commitment to God and it’s a sign between you and the Lord of what you’re standing for. I don’t think most people in our culture know what that ring means. And the wedding-ring finger, though, is a universal sign that when people see a ring on that finger they think she’s either engaged or married.

So why not take the ring off and put it on a chain and wear it around your neck? Have it on your right hand, have it somewhere as a reminder to you of what you’re standing for: you’re in solidarity with God that you’re going to be faithful to this, and you’re going to honour Him.

But why would you put anything on your body that would give the impression or maybe risk giving the impression that you’re married? I don’t see the benefit of it at age 29.

Lisa:  Yeah. I think it’s cool when, for example… did this start in the eighties? I can’t remember when the whole True Love Waits thing started.

Candice: It was either late eighties or early nineties.

Lisa:  Because I think it was right around that curve of the mid to late eighties. And I think it’s cool for girls who are like teenagers who do that kind of thing, like have that ceremony or whatever it is with their dad that just shows him protecting them and whatever, and that’s neat. But once you do reach marriageable age, then you can take it off the finger and maybe it is good to have it on that finger until you are able to be married.

Candice: Right. When you’re 16 and you’ve got a ring and people say, “What does that mean?” Because obviously they know you’re not married, then you have an opportunity to say, “You know, this is a symbol of a commitment I’ve made to save myself sexually for my husband. And I think then it’s a great conversation-starter.

But you’re 29, you’re at a conference, you see a good-looking single guy, he smiles at you then he looks at your hand and he walks away. He’s not going to say, “What does that ring represent?” He’s just going to assume you’re married. So I say: take the ring off.

Now, on the flip-side, Lisa, to all the married men out there, I say: put the ring on!

How many times have you had a conversation with a guy and you think, he’s sharp, he’s got it together, he loves the Lord and you’re talking to him and all of a sudden, horror of horrors, you find out he’s married and you’ve had this conversation that could be construed as flirting because you had no idea he was married. I know so many married men who don’t wear rings, and I do not get that.

Lisa:  Yeah. It’s like, I’ve talked to him for two minutes, I’m already naming our kids… [Laughter]

Candice: Exactly. You’re trying to figure out if your first name rhymes with his last name in a way that’s weird.

Lisa:  Oh, that’s just dicey. Yeah.

Candice: I have a friend who works in the church nursery and a man came and dropped off his child, he did not have a ring on, she thought maybe he is a widower. And she asked very innocently the woman working with her, “Is he single?” And the woman was so offended. “How could you not know? How could you assume he’s not married?” “Well he wasn’t wearing a ring.”

Lisa:  And it’s interesting, and I don’t know if this is another question altogether, or if we can maybe segway into it quickly here. What then, you know, there’s kind of that “the ring sweep”… I always say I’m convinced that everyone that goes into our Starbucks here near Focus [on the Family] is a believer… [Laughter]

Candice: They all sit there with Bibles, so it’s a good chance.

Lisa:  Statistically speaking, I think everyone at that Starbucks is a believer. And so you know that people go in there and do ring-sweeps. And they’re just like checking people out and whatever. So then it’s kind of taking the next step of, how do you start up a conversation? And that’s where you’re saying if guys don’t have rings, it can be just awkward to figure out where you stand.

Candice: It can be awkward. There’s no seating, it’s crowded, and you see a cute guy and you say, “Hey is this chair taken?” “Well no, the chair’s not but I am. But you couldn’t tell because I’m not wearing a wedding ring.”

Lisa:  He, like, flees from you and he’s like: boundaries! And you’re all offended.

Candice: And you feel bad that you’ve maybe caused him to stumble or something. So guys, when you get married, get the ring. Wear the ring.

Lisa:  So we are for purity rings. We do support that.

Candice: Yes.

Lisa:  We just maybe don’t support them on your ring finger when you are of marriageable age.

Candice: Yes.

Lisa:  And I will say—I’m just going to say a side-note, I don’t think I’ve ever said this on the show before but—my high school girls that I mentor, I always tell them that with purity rings, obviously if you got that ring when you were 16, let’s hope that there are some underpinnings for why you have that ring and the stuff that you have adhered to… And we need to a whole other show or Q&A on sexual purity and what that looks like as a teen and as a twenty-something and whatever.

But I always tell my girls: I don’t care if you have a purity ring on every finger if you are sitting alone with your boyfriend in his basement. That is not going to keep you pure. [Laughter] So that is my—

Candice: Preach it sister!

Lisa:  That’s just my side-note about purity rings. I never did have one; my dad didn’t get me one. I’m not holding it against him, but that’s okay.

So Candice, good thoughts on that for the women.

Candice: Thank you, Lisa.

Lisa:  And a bonus for the men. Guys, if you are single though, do not wear a ring either.

Candice: Oh. I mean do we even need to say that? Hello! [Laughter]

Lisa:  We don’t want guys going out there and buying rings and putting them on their ring finger if they’re not married. I haven’t noticed that, but that’s just preventative maintenance right there.

Candice: That’s right.

Lisa:  Well thanks Candice. That is it for this week’s show. Hopefully it has been both fun and informative for you as always. Write to us at editor [at] boundless [dot] org.

Episode 090

• Listen/ download: http://boundless.typepad.com/podcast/2009/10/090-boundless-podcast.html
• Blog post: http://www.boundlessline.org/2009/10/should-i-change-my-looks-for-a-guy-episode-90.html

Lisa Anderson: We are ready for this week’s inbox, and I have Candice by phone. Hey Candice!

Candice Watters: Hi Lisa!

Lisa:  We’ve got a fascinating topic this week from Anna. I’m going to kind of summarise her email because she goes into a lot of detail. And bless her heart, she just gives us a whole personal history here; Anna we love it. But here is what she’s talking about: she basically talks about the hair topic—the blog post about hair which got like 300 comments or something crazy—and how men tend to prefer women with long hair.

She says that she has difficulty growing her hair out and so she talks about that kind of as an example of saying:

How much stock should women put in their boyfriends’ or husbands’ preferences?

And then:

How far should we go to address them?

She says:

And what about other adjustments I could purchase that he’d find enjoyable?

She knows we’ve talked about plastic surgery in the past, bla bla bla… How much is too much? I mean, you could go for eyelash extensions, you could go into coloured contacts, you could get Botox or whatever.

Let’s talk about the issue of attraction and what you do that’s natural, and what is going a little bit too far.

Candice: This is such a relevant question for women. I think we tend to feel insecure about how we look, whether it’s because the guys in our lives don’t seem to be responding or because we’re just competitive with each other. I don’t know about you Lisa, but I tend to think more about what the women I’m going to hang out with will think about my new outfit than what Steve [her husband] will think.

Lisa:  Because they’re the only ones that are going to comment. That’s why.

Candice: I will say, when I met Steve, I had very short hair and unbeknownst to me he preferred long hair which Jeff’s hair post has proven to be the case with any and all of the male species.

Lisa:  He’s back in the booth, by the way Candice, and I just saw him smirk, FYI. So you can address that when he gets home.

Candice: Let’s just talk about how long Jeff’s hair used to be. That can be another Q&A—long hair in men.

But getting back to this issue, I didn’t realise that Steve preferred long hair but as my hair grew out I would think it would be safe to say he was sort of warming up to me. And maybe whereas a guy won’t be commenting on how much he loves your short sassy cut, as you grow it out or change it, if you start to notice him complimenting you more, that’s a good indication that he is liking he direction you’re going.

And so I think you want to make the most of the beauty God gave you. If you happen to have thin hair, you know, hair that won’t easily grow out or the texture doesn’t work with a really long style—maybe it’s super curly or kinky—then certainly you shouldn’t try to be who you’re not by doing things that are artificial. You know, hair extensions are fun and I think of them more as temporary or something you can try on but not necessarily something you’d want to have to maintain for the rest of your life. So if a man falls for you because you’ve got something that you thought of as a temporary or fun thing to try for a month and now you’re expected to maintain it for the rest of your life, I’m not sure that’s a great scenario.

Lisa:  Yeah. I think a lot of times women don’t understand. Like the stuff that we think is kind of funky or fun, like we don’t realise that guys may have a different interpretation of that. Because I actually had, this was a couple of years ago now where I’ve gone through a few phases of this where I had the striped hair, à la the Kelly Clarkson Thankful album, her first one…

Candice: Right.

Lisa:  It was very striped. And I had this one guy tell me that it was intimidating. [Pause] Now I would have never thought that, but I guess it was helpful to hear that because I guess guys generally don’t like things that look unnatural.

Candice: Well I think you’re right—they like things that look organic. And if you push them on it, maybe they would finally figure out that they like the feminine. Even though they might not call it that. I think you want to go for true beauty and not just trendy.

Lisa:  Yeah. I just said, “Thanks for the advice and you’re an idiot and get out of my life.” [Laughter]

Reasons why I’m still single.

Candice: And so the relationship didn’t work for, oh so many reasons. [Laughter]

Lisa:  No I thought that was good.

So women know what they can and can’t do as far as like what’s actually possible with their looks. So, what’s possible, what’s reasonable, what’s biblical or not, or just wise for getting into stuff where you’re actually going to really put down some cash for things?

Candice: Well, we’ve written about this before on Boundless and talked about, in one case, an eye surgery that would change the look of your eyelids… I’m just not as eager to recommend something permanent or really expensive or potentially medically risky unless there is a medical reason you need to do that alteration.

But I think of surgery as sort of a last resort. I say make the most of what you have with things that you can pick up at the makeup counter as opposed to the hospital.

Lisa:  Yeah. Do you have any advice for guys then? Should guys just remain silent on this? What if there’s a guy there who’s like I’d really like to suggest to my girlfriend that she do X, Y, Z.

Candice: I think the men need to check their motives. Because a man who is asking a woman to make a change purely for his benefit, really is being selfish and that’s not the kind of relationship that we’re called to as believers. We’re called to be other-centred, to lay down our lives for one another. If a man is dating a woman who has a physical defect that he knows causes her personal anxiety and pain, I don’t think it would be out of the question for him to be supportive at least, or encouraging if she brings it up to say, “Oh I can understand that and I would support you in that.” But not ultimately just for his own selfish gratification, but because it would benefit her.

Lisa:  Okay. Well I think these are good thoughts, Candice. I think it’s helpful. I mean it’s like I said, many of my girlfriends have talked about this, everything from should we wear heels around guys who are shorter because maybe that makes them feel bad about themselves to—

Candice: Makes them feel short.

Lisa:  —to eye makeup, what kind of eye makeup is too much, what’s too dramatic? You know, when my parents were dating, my dad actually just assumed my mom was an unbeliever because she wore a lot of makeup. [Laughter] I mean, this was back in the early—

Candice: That hussy!

Lisa:  This was back in the early 50s, but my mom was from the East Coast and it was very much the powdered face and the red lipstick and all of that at that time, and he just figured she was some kind of Jezebel and wasn’t going to have anything to do with her.

So she actually had a friend tell her, “Do not wear so much makeup.” And she changed her look and my dad became interested.

Candice: Well, there you go!

And so to the ladies, I say ask him what he likes. Do you like long hair, do you like short hair, do you like it striped? Get his input.

Lisa:  Exactly. Because it’s not like once you start dating someone seriously, it’s not like you’re not prodding him for a few wardrobe changes here and there, whatever… Let’s just be honest, people.

Candice: Lose the lectures, guys.

Lisa:  Yes. And do not we all know now of my hatred of Disney character shirts, which are currently on sale at Wal-Mart. And I don’t know who is wearing these things, but it’s literally just like Minnie Mouse emblazoned across your chest. No one needs that, people. No one needs it.

Well Candice thank you very much for weighing in on this topic. Always helpful to just cut to the chase and give people some real truth about what they should be doing or not be doing.

Candice: That’s what we’re all about: real truth, Lisa. You’re welcome.

Lisa:  We are. I have a little bit of an eighties-ish eyeliner on today. I mixed it up and it’s almost a green. So I’m going to go and ask five people what they think of it and see if I get rid of it or keep it based on that.

Candice: Awesome!

Lisa:  Well, you have a great rest of your day.

Candice: Thanks Lisa, you too!

Lisa:  Thanks.

Okay everyone, as always we want to hear from you. Write to us at editor [at] boundless [dot] org.

Episode 089

• Listen/ download: http://boundless.typepad.com/podcast/2009/10/089-boundless-podcast.html
• Blog post: http://www.boundlessline.org/2009/10/does-jesus-need-pr-episode-89.html

Lisa Anderson: We are opening up this week’s inbox, and I have Candice with me in the studio. Candice!

Candice Watters: Lisa!

Lisa:  Hey!

Candice: No phone between us.

Lisa:  No phone; I get to see your face today, that’s great. [Laughter]

Well we are addressing a question from a listener in Holland—I love Holland! Otherwise known as The Netherlands. Anyway, that was a bonus for you, people. That was a bonus in factual information that you—

Candice: I went to Calvin College. Bonus two. And I didn’t know it was Dutch until I got there and couldn’t pronounce the names of the dorms. So talk about not doing your homework.

Lisa:  Everyone’s name starts with Von or Van.

Candice: Exactly. Yes. Or a j pronounced as a y.

Lisa:  I don’t know what Jeanette’s last name is, but we’ll just call her Jeanette Vander Hooven. [Laughter] Just pretend like that’s the case.

Well, she has a good question so I want to hear what you have to say about this. First of all she gives us a shout-out from Holland and says she listens every week—thank you Jeanette, we love you!

Candice: Woo hoo!

Lisa:  And she is blest by them and by the knowledge that “I’m not alone in my views.” Because we all know about Western Europe. That was my editorial. But here’s her question. She says:

I recognise how important it is for a man to feel needed by the significant woman in his life, and that it is important for a girl not to be so self-sufficient that he feels he has nothing to offer. I’d really like some practical advice about how this should look. I desire to get married and don’t want to scare any good men away by being perceived as an “ice queen”. Can you help?

Candice: I’m going to grab me some Wilhelmina peppermints, Jeanette, or maybe some Dubbel Zout, although I can’t stand the taste of double salt liquorice.

But I am curious why she thinks self-sufficiency translates into ice-queen. Because I don’t make that connection quite as obviously as she does, so I guess the first question is: are you striving to have the fruit of the Spirit in your life and to just relate to men as a kind, good, gentle, patient, self-sacrificing woman? Just being biblically feminine and just being a kind Christian. That’s the starting point, to really check your behaviour with the men in your life not against the worldly standards of feminism and domineering strength, but just as a woman walking by the power of the Spirit and demonstrating the fruit of the Spirit in her life. So that would be the starting point.

Now to the specifics of how you relate in a dating relationship so that the man feels needed. I think this is a good question and it’s an important question because women are making more money and they are by and large paying their own bills and making their way and able to sustain their lifestyle without the help of a husband-farmer who’s out hoeing the back forty or whatever…

So let’s go back to Genesis 2:20 and see how God did make us male and female. God made all these animals and He brought them to Adam to see what he would name them and in the process of that, Adam noticed that there was not an animal who could be a partner to him. It says in Genesis 2:20 “But for Adam no suitable helper was found.” So God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep, and while he was sleeping He made Eve. And He brought the woman to Adam as his helper.

Men need helpers. Women need to be helpers. It’s not just that you do it because the Bible says you should but there really is an innate created order where a man needs a woman to come alongside and be an empowering helper to him. And I think we as women have a desire and a deep inbred created need to be nurturers and helpers and helpmates. And so look to the man, your boyfriend, as the leader. Defer to him, ask him what he thinks you should do, let him make decisions. This isn’t because you’re weak or you need to fake… you know, be sort of a poser and act like you’re all helpless.

It takes great strength and dignity to submit to a man, to submit in marriage and to sort of rein in your strength the way that a race horse is reined in so that the horse can run in such a way to win a prize. It takes an amazing amount of strength and restraint to focus your energy. And I think for women, focus your energy on helping the man and to have as a goal to see him succeed. And that you will succeed through that too. Both of you will be honoured and raised up and it really is a wonderful synergy there.

Practically speaking let him pay the bill. You know, you go out to dinner, don’t be all I can do it and I’ve got my own money and here we’re going to split it. Kind of hold back and see what he does and see if he will be the provider. Give him an opportunity to provide and that has nothing to do with how much money he makes.

Lisa:  I think, too, that there’s a message here, Candice, for the guys. And that is to give the women a chance who may appear somewhat independent or may seem to have it together. I remember one guy that I knew, he asked a girl out who was in my Sunday School class at church and she kind of asked him after they’d dated for a while why he picked her. And he said something to the effect of, “Well, you were the only one out there who really seemed like you—” I think he actually used the word “needed” to get married. Which was quite the compliment for her.

But he had this perception or this stereotype of the other women that just because they had their own place, or because they had jobs that maybe were on a specific career path, that he wasn’t then strong enough or he couldn’t handle them. And so I think guys really need to step up.

One of my dear girlfriends always gives me this song, she’ll call me when it comes on the radio and it’s… [Laughs] People out there are going to know it. It’s that I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what I mean? And then it talks about this woman who has her own house, she has her own car, two jobs and all this stuff.

I mean, it’s not like we want to go in the direction of that stereotype but I think guys need to realise that just because a woman has a job or because she’s maybe opinionated or leads X, Y, Z or something like that, it doesn’t mean that all the things that you just told Jeanette to do, she won’t be able to do.

Candice: Right, right.

So, to the guys: give the women a chance. To the women: certainly don’t sit around and just twiddle your thumbs while you wait for Mr Wonderful to show up on the scene. Be a good steward of the gifts and talents and opportunities God has given you. But when did biblical stewardship become incompatible with biblical femininity? They’re not. They go together well and Proverbs 31 is the picture of a woman being biblically feminine, including doing things that are industrious and even occasionally make money.

Lisa:  I think that’s huge.

Well thanks Candice. I for one am going to just put a pink ribbon in my hair. [Laughter] That’s my next tactic. I’m going to try it and see how it works.

Candice: Let me know, Lisa.

Lisa:  I’m going to tell you. Let’s make a pink or yellow ribbon week. Just put a ribbon in your hair, see what happens, see if the guys ask you—

Candice: And then we’ll know each other in the grocery store. [Laughter]

Lisa:  It’s like our own little cult. That’s awesome.

Well, I think that’s helpful. Do write to us if this has been your experience, whether you’re a woman or a guy: editor [at] boundless [dot] org.

Episode 084

• Listen/ download: http://boundless.typepad.com/podcast/2009/08/084-boundless-podcast.html
• Blog post: http://www.boundlessline.org/2009/08/gittin-in-yo-bitnit-episode-84.html

Lisa Anderson: We are opening up this week’s inbox, and I’m in studio with Candice. Hey Candice!

Candice Watters: Hey Lisa!

Lisa:  Here she is!

We’re going to answer a listener question on how to make that adjustment from single girl with single girlfriends to single girl with girls who have now gotten married. What do you do? What do you not do? This is very tricky. As I’ve said many times, I’ve had about 12 friends get married this year—can’t even believe it! I’m actually kind of living this right now, so this will be helpful for me as well.

Here we go. She says:

This summer, many of my close friends have gotten married or engaged and I find myself needing to shift from loving my friends as individuals to loving them and their new husbands and fiancés as a couple. I really want to be an advocate for their marriages and continue to invest in them and reflect God’s love to them. The ways that I used to love my friends now seem sort of inappropriate and less valued since they now have someone else to attend to those things.

What advice do you have on practical ways that I can continue these friendships and be an asset to their relationship without being an annoying third wheel? How do I go about pursuing their friendship and blessing them in a way that doesn’t infringe upon their spousal relationship?

Candice: I think a great starting point is the friends’ portions of the Song of Songs. Song of Songs 1:4 says—this is the friends refrain, and so as the beloved and the lover are talking to one another, the friends say: “We rejoice and delight in you; we will praise your love more than wine.”  And so I think it’s right, it’s good for friends to come alongside and celebrate the new love. To celebrate the engagement, to celebrate the marriage, to shower the young couple with gifts—they don’t have to be elaborate or overly expensive. But to really put your heart into it, and to affirm marriage, to esteem their marriage.

The challenge is that you can’t love the couple the way that you loved your single girlfriend. You’re right, you were meeting needs for her that her husband will meet now. And so you have to be really careful because you don’t want to be inappropriate in how you “love the new husband”; that’s her job.

I think this is a reminder of why it’s so helpful to have a friend group that isn’t just peers. Because, Lisa, as you said you have 12 friends that have gotten married this year. If all of your friends are in the exact same life stage as you are and they all get married… oh my goodness! You’re left friendless for a time because new brides do have a tendency to shift their focus away from their girlfriends toward their beloved, their lover, their husband—the lover is the term Solomon used. And that’s appropriate. That’s the way it is. Having been a new bride a long time ago, I do still remember that that first year, and even the months leading up to the wedding, my friends would say, “You’re never around anymore, you’re not in our lives, your head isn’t in the game…” And all I could say was, “I’m sorry. I think you’ll understand someday.” And they eventually all went down that path and said, “Oh, I understand.” And they did the exact same thing to their friends.

So it’s a good reason to have friends who are already married and who are older and who are past that first year, because that first year is kind of totally focused in on the marriage relationship time. And Deuteronomy confirms that: 24:5 says “If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.” And there’s something about that first year, it’s a very intense learning curve, it’s a very emotional time, it’s a very sensual time, it’s just a very intense year. After that first year, things really do kind of mellow out.

I know that when my friends get married, I don’t plan to see a whole lot of them that first year. And I just kind of give them the freedom to be focused on their marriage, that doesn’t mean I don’t invite them to things any more, but I try not to be offended when they decline.

So I say it’s time to shift the focus to the other friends who are still single and rejoice in the marriage, rejoice with your friends. Be there if they ask for help but try not to have expectations.

Lisa:  I think that’s good advice, Candice. And I think it’s very good that you gave that time frame. This is not a forever thing. And I think it is, like you said, it’s good to not only have girlfriends in that same peer group, to have them from a vast array… And to recognise that, like in my case for example, several of my best friends got married and then moved away. So that entire relationship has kind of been severed and now we’re trying to find whole new ways of keeping in touch and it’s working pretty well. But I did have to remove expectations; it’s not going to be that day-by-day, play-by-play kind of thing that we used to do.

I do think it’s interesting though, and I want you to address this really quickly Candice, how there’s that danger that we’ve seen here at Focus on the Family that Boundless has had to scoop in and pick up, in that in marriage and transitioning into married life, you want to make sure at the same time that you don’t get sucked into a black hole that, when that year ends all of a sudden you find yourself floundering because you completely disassociated yourself from friendships or the church… I have lots of friends who have gotten married now over the past three or four years who stopped going to church, or they stopped being involved in a community at church and all of a sudden now they can’t re-integrate, and they’re kind of at sea, they’re lost… And many of them had struggles—whether it’s the first year of marriage or beyond, they’ve found themselves struggling, whether it’s in their marriage specifically, or whether it’s just adjusting to that whole new way of life, and all of a sudden they’re trying to talk to their husband who’s like, tell me just what I need to fix, and they don’t have that sounding board…

So how do you find that balance in that?

Candice: I think one big thing is to, as a couple, when you’re newly married, pray for and look for other couples to be friends with. To be friends as couples, so you’re not so much doing the one-offs of his best friend and her best friend, but you’re doing couple friendships and doing things with other couples.

I would also totally echo what you’re saying: don’t disengage from your church. You need the body more than ever that first year of marriage. Gary Thomas has talked about “shell-shocked newlyweds” and how it really can be a rough year and a lot of couples report that. It doesn’t have to be a rough year, but it often is. And so to get through that and have a fruitful first year you need the support of other believers and people who’ve been married longer than you who can help you through that.

One point of encouragement I would give to the young or newly-married bride is: don’t forget your single friends, at least pray for them. And let them know you’re praying for them—not in a patronising way but in a genuinely friendly concerned way, to be kind to your friends. Let kindness guide you even if you don’t have a lot of time with them, drop them a note, tell them you miss them. Let them know this is an intense year and you’ll be back soon, and don’t forget me. Keep the friendships alive but both sides really need to recalibrate expectations.

Lisa:  I think that’s good. I think, there’s got to be, in the course of a year, at some point, you’re going to want to go to a movie and your husband doesn’t want to go, so call up your friends and just go with them. [Laughter] I don’t think Candice is saying that this year is just going to be 24/7, you know, you can’t do anything else.

Candice: I just remember a friend who lived nearby, moved to be close to me after grad school and I was newly married. And at one point she shared with me that she was frustrated, because she felt like whenever we did anything, it was her and me and Steve. Because Steve and I would invite her over for dinner, we would ask her to join us for things and I think she felt like a third wheel. We didn’t feel like she was third wheel, but that’s where I was at, I didn’t want to leave Steve and go off and do girl things, that was just not really that important to me that first year.

But then it did start to change, so again, this is a season and if we can be aware of that, it helps.

Lisa:  So it took Candice a while, but now she’s just tired of Steve and so she’s all about the girlfriends. [Laughter]

Candice: I still go out with my girlfriends and think I’d rather be home with Steve. I think I’m just weird that way, I don’t know.

Lisa:  That’s good.

Candice: He’s my best friend.

Lisa:  And I will say just in closing that single girls out there you need to realise that as these girls get married and start investing in their homes and in their husbands, make some new friends. We’re supposed to be making friends throughout our lives; don’t just sit there and mope and be like, I invested in these friendships and whatever. That’s good that you did, and you grew because of it. And they’re still your friends, and they’ll remain your friends, but make some new friends too.

Candice: And don’t be bitter. Because it will be your time and you will be the exact same way. We go through this; it’s just the way we’re wired.

Lisa:  Do not be bitter, because it is ugly and we don’t support it. We’re not into it here at the Boundless Show, don’t do it.

Thank you Candice!

Candice: You’re welcome. Always my pleasure.

Lisa:  Write to us at the Boundless Show here at editor [at] boundless [dot] org. We want to hear from you.

Episode 074

• Listen/ download: http://boundless.typepad.com/podcast/2009/06/074-boundless-podcast.html
• Blog post: http://www.boundlessline.org/2009/06/youre-how-old-episode-74.html

Lisa Anderson: Opening up this week’s inbox, I’m in the studio with Suzanne. Suzanne welcome!

Suzanne Hadley: Thank you.

Lisa:  We’re going to delve into a relationship issue from one of our listeners. She says:

There is a guy in my singles’ group at church who started asking me to coffee alone, messaging me on Facebook and texting me quite frequently. This went on for a month until he stopped all forms of communication. I was confused and hurt by what seemed like being cut off and then after a few weeks he started doing the same things again. This made me even more confused.

I’ve observed that he doesn’t just do this with me but with other women too. I don’t want to let this go on any more. Should I ask him what his intentions are? Should I tell the other women? Also, how do I heal from this? I don’t know what kind of relationship would be appropriate to have with him now.

Alright, what do you think Suzanne?

Suzanne: Okay, well, from my experience and observation, this is a common problem. And I’ve actually had this experience myself. I’m going to just share kind of an anecdote, because when this happened to me, pretty much the exact same things—someone was showing interest, arranging one-on-one times, texting me a lot, emailing me… And then it ended and I thought okay I’m pretty level-headed; I get the hint: he’s not interested any more. And then it happened again a little while later and I was really praying to the Lord, like, should I say something? And I felt compelled that maybe I should say something, but each time I was planning to bring it up and kind of confront him on what was going on, I felt this huge check in my spirit, like, don’t do it.

So that happened about three times and then eventually he just moved on to someone else and I was… I was very glad that I didn’t put my heart out there. Honestly. I felt like I was able to save my dignity and I could still continue having an acquaintance relationship with this guy without any awkwardness between us or me feeling foolish. Several months later he did the same pattern with someone else and she did confront him and she ended up being very hurt, because she got the “you’re just a friend” treatment.

So I guess from personal experience my advice is to be careful about confronting him. Unless you really have evidence that he is pursuing you alone and you feel like you need to clarify with him and ask his intentions, I would say to withdraw from the situation, and if he’s interested in you, he’s going to come to you.

Lisa:  Yeah. It seems it’s even questionable that she was… I mean, I guess—if he’s asking her to coffee and stuff… We don’t know if he was paying or what the whole deal was. I’ve a friend kind of in a similar situation right now where it’s been kind of this pseudo, you know—and you’re the buddy expert—this pseudo-buddy situation where he has asked a couple of girls out, but he’s definitely asked her out a number of times too and it’s like sometimes he pays, sometimes he doesn’t. It’s all this weird ambiguity and stuff, and I’m like give him another few weeks on this, but then something… I think she just needs to walk and just say, “Look, you’re going to have to pursue me if this is going to happen.”

Suzanne: I think that’s the bottom line: there needs to be a cut-off point. Whether you just withdraw privileges and say the next time he asks me to a one-on-one thing, I’m just going to say no. And if he asks me why, then maybe that will start a conversation. Or whether you feel like, man we’ve invested enough in this that I really just want to have a conversation with him about it and get it all out on the table. But I think how I would caution women is to be prepared that he may not have the answer that you’re looking for. He may say, “Wow, I really appreciate your friendship, but that’s it.” And if you’re not prepared to get that answer then don’t start the conversation.

Lisa:  I think there are lessons for both sexes here, because on the one hand there is that question of why… Maybe she does need to ask him or someone else, really, should come into his life and say, “You know what? You shouldn’t be doing all this one-on-one stuff and all this—that’s inappropriate.” And I’ve had to do that several times. Most of my guy friends know that I will not spend one-on-one time with them unless we are dating. And so I’ve had to reiterate that several times to some of them. I’m not going to Home Depot with them and help pick put paint colours and I’m not going to go and help them choose laundry detergents. I’m just not.

Suzanne: And cook them dinner. [Laughter]

Lisa:  To  a couple of them, I’m just like, “Dude, you’d have to marry me for that.” Quite honestly, I’m just saying.

But at the same time, I think women get in the trap of over-interpreting guys too. And especially kindnesses. I mean, a guy is just friendly to them and they think that he’s flirting, or they think that he’s going to ask them out or whatever. And I’m like, ladies, get a grip and unless it is real, it’s not a deal.

Suzanne: I think one of the worst reactions I’ve seen is when the woman tries to grasp and says, well you did this and you did this and you did this. And really she’s only putting herself in an awkward humiliating situation by doing that. Maybe he did do those things, but it doesn’t help to say, “Well you did this and so you owe me a relationship!” That’s futile.

Lisa:  Just because a guy has poked you on Facebook does not mean he’s obligated to ask you out or that there was any kind of relationship there. [Laughter]

Now guys, if you’re poking women on Facebook, especially between the hours of 11pm and 4am, we have a whole other segment that we’re going to deal with you sometime in the future. I mean, that’s just wrong. That’s just crazy.

Well I think this is helpful and I hope it will be for our listener and for others out there who’ve been in similar situations. Please do write to us with your own circumstances and concerns at editor [at] boundless [dot] org.

Episode 073

• Listen/ download: http://boundless.typepad.com/podcast/2009/06/073-boundless-podcast.html
• Blog post: http://www.boundlessline.org/2009/06/improving-the-wedding-party-episode-73.html

Lisa Anderson: Opening up this week’s inbox, I’m joined by Candice on the phone. Hello Candice!

Candice Watters: Hi Lisa!

Lisa:  Great to have you here.

Candice: It’s good to be here, if only by way of the cables… or whatever phones run on these days. [Laughter]

Lisa:  That’s true. And now with all the children in tow, it’s harder to get everyone together and get into the studio, so…

Candice: Unless I can come in my PJs, that is a little bit of a challenge.

Lisa:  We’ll work on it. We’ll see how it’s going.

We need you to address a listener question here. This is a female, and I’m going to go ahead and read it and let you weigh in.

Candice: Okay.

Lisa:  Here we go. She says:

I feel very strongly that God has called me to be single for life. I’m not a very attractive person on the outside and I am overweight. Here is my struggle: if I’m called to be single, is there any reason for me to try to make myself look attractive? Now don’t get me wrong; I don’t go around in a potato sack, but I don’t bother with makeup or trying to make myself as beautiful on the outside as other people do. I don’t think it’s wrong for other people to wear makeup and nice clothes. I just don’t see where it benefits me since I will not marry. What is your stand on this?

Candice: This is a really great question, especially for the time we’re living in. It seems like there’s an obsession with beauty and every other day I see an article about some new plastic surgery you can have to make yourself look better and look more like the airbrushed models. And so on its face I want to just commend you for not making beauty an idol, for not putting all your effort and all of your money and all of your attention into how you look on the outside. Especially if that means that you’ve been spending all of the time you would have been spending putting makeup on really cultivating your Christian character and working on the heart, working on what’s going on inside of you. 1 Peter 3:3 says “Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold or putting on fine apparel”. And so we know that it’s not supposed to be just outward, but I think that word merely outward includes the fact that outside beauty is okay as long it’s not the only thing.

And so here’s where I want to bring up the issue of stewardship. You have a responsibility as a being made in God’s image to be a steward, not only of your talents, not only of your money and your time, but also of your body. And you mention that you’re overweight and that you don’t like to spend effort on your externals. And while I think it’s fine to not make externals a big deal, you can be clean, scrubbed and not wear makeup and very simple in your clothing, but you do still need to take care of yourself. And so I would say how you care for your body including what you eat and the exercise you get or don’t get, your fitness level, and yes, even your clothes, to some degree is a reflection on how you feel about your Creator. You don’t have a human husband to reflect on, but you still have a heavenly Father to reflect on. And so I would just encourage you to think of simple and clean and fit and be a good steward of all of the things that God has given you in the physical realm. Not only because it reflects on Him, but also  because that will have a lot to do with how long you’re able to live on the earth and be vibrant and be healthy and be able to serve Him. Being overweight and not caring for your body can lead to earlier illness—it doesn’t always, but it can.

And so I think this is really an issue of stewardship and just to reassure you: no, you don’t have to wear a lick of lipstick your whole life. And that’s totally fine. But remember that how you care for your body is a reflection of your attitude towards your Maker.

Lisa:  Do you think, Candice, and maybe I’m reading too much into this, you know, it’s not really the focus of the focus of the question, but I just look at this listener’s question and see where she says that she “feels strongly that God’s called her to be single for life” and I’d be interested in finding out why that is—

Candice: Right. If maybe she feels like that’s the safest route if she doesn’t feel attractive.

Lisa:  Yeah. I mean, it’s like, are you single for life because you’re going to Afghanistan or are you single for life because you feel like well I haven’t had any opportunities up until this point and quite frankly, I’m not very attractive.

Candice: Right. I did think of that and if I could sit down with her and chat one-on-one, I would definitely want to talk about that and pray with her about that and ask some of those more difficult questions. To kind of do a soul-searching and say, why have I made this decision that I feel called to be single?

I noticed too she used the word ‘single’ and not ‘celibate’ and that Paul talks about celibate service which really is a life set apart for undivided attention placed on serving God. And so to do a little bit of an inventory, I would be curious: what is your job, and how are you spending your free time and these sorts of things, to see if the calling to celibacy is really there or like you said if maybe it’s easier just to say that if it looks like the possibilities and prospects for marriage aren’t great.

Lisa:  Right, yeah. I blogged recently on some of the lies that God’s been dealing with me on. And I think that a lot of times that can come into play, where we just see our circumstances and we say well, because of this, then this must be true, when in fact it’s not.

Candice: One other thought I had is that just as we, I think, all feel a little bit of that angst when we see someone who draws so much attention to themselves because they’re so beautiful, that on the flip side you don’t want to draw so much attention to yourself because you’re so unkempt. I think the goal here is to not draw attention to ourselves but to really be pointing to and reflecting Christ.

Lisa:  Right. Exactly. So while not everyone can look like Candice Watters, we can still at least be neat—

Candice: [Laughing] Or Lisa Anderson.

Lisa:  —be neat and relatively put together and healthy. I think that’s a good thing

Candice: That’s right. We all have a job to be the best stewards of what we’ve got. And make the most of what you have.

Lisa:  Right. Exactly. Well thanks Candice.

Candice: You’re welcome. It’s fun to be with you even if only by phone.

Lisa:  I know. Thanks for joining us. Say hi to all the kids!

Candice: I will.

Lisa:  Okay, bye-bye!

Candice: Bye-bye.

Lisa:  That is it for this week’s show. As always, we want to hear from you at editor [at] boundless [dot] org.

Episode 069

• Listen/ download: http://boundless.typepad.com/podcast/2009/05/069-boundless-podcast.html
• Blog post: http://www.boundlessline.org/2009/05/3-truths-and-a-lie-episode-69.html

Lisa Anderson: So here we are in the studio with Suzanne for today’s inbox. Hi Suzanne!

Suzanne Hadley: Hi Lisa!

Lisa:  How are you doing?

Suzanne: I’m doing well.

Lisa:  Good. A good sunny day. We’re going to get close to 90°F today, I think.

Suzanne: Which is awesome since spring has not officially hit here yet.

Lisa:  Exactly. Well, it keeps going in and out. So… craziness.

Alright. Well, we’re going to ahead and address a question from Sarah—and that is ‘Sarah’ with an h. So that may affect your answer, that’s why I decided to clarify. She says:

In the past year, I have moved to a new city for work and started a new relationship. With starting a new job, investing in a serious relationship and trying to develop new friendships, I’ve really let my previous friendships fall to the end of the line. I barely talk to my best friend any more. I’ve at least four voicemails a week from friends that I need to return, but I’m too tired. Is it okay to let my friendships take a back seat in this season of life? I simply don’t have the time and energy to return every call I get.

But these friendships are very valuable to me and I don’t want to lose them or hurt my friends. It would be different if we lived in the same city and could just grab coffee, but I know that I will have to block out an hour for a phone date and that’s so daunting at the end of a long workday. Any advice?

Suzanne: I totally relate to this question. I’m a firm believer in the fact that there are seasons in life and I’m sure that a lot of people out there can relate to the fact that when you’re single—like really, truly single—you have a lot of time to invest in friendships and female friendships. And I remember at the beginning of last year I told someone one of my new year’s resolutions was to kind of whittle down some of my friendships because I was investing in so many people that I just felt worn out and overwhelmed. And then if you put on top of that adding something to your schedule, like a relationship or a move, so you’re not geographically close to your friends… I think it’s just natural that you’re going to have to decide what to do with some of those relationships.

Lisa:  Yeah. Well, I’ve now made a note to never have you or Sarah as my friend. I’m dumping you, Suzanne—

Suzanne: Oh no! Don’t do it!

Lisa:  You’ve obviously put me on the back burner. [Laughter] Unless you call me tonight and we talk for an hour, then you can smooth things over with me.

Suzanne: Okay, good.

Lisa:  No. Sarah, I mean, I understand this as well. I’ve had many seasons of life, in fact I think only in the last few years have I overcome what I used to call my very transient… You know, I used to have friends for all seasons of life, and I never transferred any of those friends between high school, college, first job and stuff like that. And I’ve kind of come to regret that a little bit, although now we’re reconnecting somewhat on Facebook. But—

Suzanne: So you had cycles of friends? So in each season you’d kind of start over with a new group of friends?

Lisa:  Yeah. But I think part of that was the problem of…  I don’t think I really knew what it meant to invest in friendships and really go deep and friendships so that you could cross through seasons with those friendships. That’s been a learning process for me.

But I do understand the “daunting task”, as you describe it Sarah, of maintaining friendships. And I think I’ve said this before on the show… You know, when you’re married an you have a family you have that built-in community; when you’re at home doing tasks, you’re living life together. As a single person I have to go out and intentionally meet with people in order to really catch up with them. And it’s difficult, because I’ve had periods, even this year now, where I’ve had two weeks straight where I’m doing lunch  or coffee with probably eight or ten different people and it’s just… I feel like I can get into the mode of becoming a counsellor, or… it’s just a lot of keeping up with people. I don’t know…

As you’ve moved through seasons, Suzanne, how have you been able to do that?

Suzanne: Well, I think there does need to be a balance. And when I hear Sarah say that she really cares about those friendships—that’s important. You don’t want to just let go all of your friendships just because you’re in a relationship or something has changed in your life. And I think sometimes you can tend to go really far one way and neglect your friends—I know I’ve been on both sides of this. And then you really lose something if you don’t maintain any of the friendships.

So I think you need to evaluate and take stock which friendships are the priority. That may sound cold and harsh but, truly, you have different levels of friendships and some of them are just more acquaintance-level and so maybe you just need to decide: okay there are these two or three friends that I don’t want lose touch with, I don’t want them to feel devalued and I’m going to make time in my schedule and be intentional to stay in touch with them.

Lisa:  Yeah. I think—and I could be reading in between the lines here Sarah—but it seems that, when you’re saying that you barely talk to your best friend any more yet you’re now in a new serious relationship, that to me could be a little bit of a red flag. Technically, this guy should be just a friend at this point. We don’t want to move into any too emotionally entangling kind of relationships with him or with other people. And at the same time preserve that best friendship, especially, because that person knows you and has walked with you through several seasons, and is probably a good grounding influence. It just seems you have a lot of newness going on. You talk about new job, new location, new relationship… So this is probably not the best time to ditch everything from the past. And make sure that you’re getting some mentorship in there as well.

Suzanne: That’s right. It’s all about striking a balance.

Lisa: I think it is. Well thank you Suzanne for giving Sarah some insight on that. I think that will be helpful to her.

As always, we want to hear from you. Write to us at editor [at] boundless [dot] org.

Episode 054

• Listen/ download: http://boundless.typepad.com/podcast/2009/01/the-boundless-show-episode-054.html
• Blog post: http://www.boundlessline.org/2009/01/old-media-old-maids-and-bring-the-rain-episode-54.html

Lisa Anderson: Welcome to this week’s inbox. I have with me in the studio Candice Watters. Candice, welcome back!

Candice Watters: Thanks, Lisa! I will be glad to be here as much as I can.

Lisa:  Yay! We’re glad that is the case. And we’ll obviously have you back for more roundtables once Teddy [Candice’s baby] is 18 and out of the house. [Laughter]  We’ll still be going strong here at the Boundless Show.

Well let’s go ahead and answer a question from Alicia, which is definitely in your area of expertise. So you’re going to have to give her some insights here.

Candice: No pressure!

Lisa:  No pressure. She says:

I’m reading a lot of articles with evidence that for numerous reasons women are waiting to marry until it’s too late. I am one of those women. I haven’t lived intentionally to marry even though I’ve always wanted to marry. These articles have left me feeling hopeless and a bit despaired that I’m 33 and single, and there’s a possibility that marriage will never happen. Is there any advice or hope you can give me?

Candice: Yes, Alicia, there is hope. If you were sitting across from me at Starbucks, I would just probably tear up and tell you that there is always hope and that God is still in the business of making good matches, and you are not past your expiration date or your sell-by date. I have friends who have married quite a bit later than you have and there’s some encouragement there.

But in your situation, let’s just start with what church you are going to. Are you in a vibrant community of believers who preach the word and who believe in marriage, who believe it’s a good idea and who want to help the single people in their church marry well? That’s a great place to start to answer your practicality question. Once you’re in that kind of a group, you can start looking for and praying for older women to mentor you, to spend time with you, to pray with you, to really get to know your heart and your strengths and your talents and to encourage you to grow even more in those areas… Also to give you an honest assessment if you have any weaknesses, to help you improve in areas that might be blind spots for you. I think we all benefit from that kind of input.

So that’s a really good place to start, in part because it’s a practical helpful way to marry well, but it’s also a practical helpful way to just bolster your own sense of confidence that you’re doing what you can, that you’re being faithful, that you’re obeying the commands that God’s given you just for living out your Christian walk. And then in the course of relationship with older women—ideally women who are themselves married well—to be able to share your heart and your frustrations and your concerns and to look to them to pray with you and to encourage you that marriage is not beyond your grasp. It’s never too late to hope for marriage, in fact, what was it Lisa—the 107-year-old Chinese woman who just decided she’s going to start looking for a spouse… I say: more power to you, sister!

You should never lose hope because God made marriage, He made it for our good and for His glory and I believe that when we come to him with a heart that says, “Lord I want to marry well and I believe that You’ve given me this desire. Show me, Lord, areas where I can improve, areas where I can start to make progress toward marriage.” You can have a real peace that comes from praying that prayer and knowing that He is God, He is sovereign and He is all-powerful. And then to be open to things He might suggest that you start doing in your life that make it more likely that you’ll get married.

Lisa:  Yeah. I would say, just reading your question Alicia… I would first of all speak to the women who are in their 20s and say, don’t listen to this and say, oh well I’m not in my 30s yet, so I’m not going to worry about that. I wasted my 20s, basically. And I was extremely consumed with other things and now I’m in my 30s and single and have read Candice’s book and have talked to many women who are my peers and still single and are, many of them reaching almost a point of despair, because they feel like… talk about works-based mentality… They’re figuring, what did I do wrong? How am I being punished for what I did in the past and why I’m not going to be able to redeem my own situation…  And I have, those of you that read the blog know that I just said last week that I’m the middle of the season of ten of my friends getting married. And I literally believe that seven of those, at least, are as a result of us actually praying husbands to them.

Candice: Amen, that’s awesome!

Lisa:  These are not casual people that just met someone in college. These are women in their 30s, some in their late 30s, even a friend in her early 40s, who I think their situations, every single one of them, are a miracle. And I believe that God’s still in the business of doing miracles. You know, we’ve been doing this study at church called How People Change, and last week’s study was on being married to Christ. And I know that that sounds very milquetoast to women, they just think it’s a platitude, a cliché… But the fact that God is out there and that we are married to Him first and foremost and above anyone else He loves us and knows us and advocates for us; He’s our vindicator, He’s our protector… That is huge. And to know that God knows if and when I will ever marry and that He can introduce someone to me tomorrow and that in the meantime, I have the power and the ability to do everything that Candice said: to seek out the mentors, to pray, to build a network of community… In that sense it is empowering, I think, to me as a woman, knowing that God is certainly going to do His part.

Candice: And I want to encourage you, Alicia, not to hear that “be married to Christ” is sort of a band-aid. Or, on the other hand, to see it as a justification to then try to bring down marriage, to say, “I’d rather be single and wish that I were married than married and wish that I were single.” I think that’s a dishonest look at marriage, because it’s like a single person on her best day looking at a married person on her worst day. And that’s not really a fair comparison.

What Lisa is talking about is praying boldly with the confidence that you’re really asking God to give you what He wants you to have. He’s called most believers to marriage, and the sad thing is that we live in culture that’s so dishonours marriage and a culture that’s so sexualised, that there’s so much relational shrapnel and baggage out there, it’s making it harder for people to marry. So there is a need to be intentional. There is a need to do more to marry well than we used to have to do in another day. You know, people just got married in another day, and for the most part, they were happily married. That’s not as true today. So you need a community of people supporting you and helping you and it helps to have older women looking out for potential introductions they can make. And so it is important to be intentional, to give your desire for and your goal of marriage, at least as much attention as you’re giving your career and your fitness routine and your academic advancement and all the other things we do. It’s okay to want to be married, and it’s okay to make it a priority. And in our culture I think it’s essential to do those things.

Lisa:  I think my final encouragement would just be to the guys who are listening: guys, do the math. You just heard a very honest question from a woman who’s 33, wants to get married… Hello, if you are emotionally and relationally and relatively spiritually healthy, can you please start finding these women and asking them out? Download the Guy’s Guide to Marrying Well—

[Laughter]

Candice: Exactly. Go to Boundless and get the Guy’s Guide.

Lisa:  We are talking to both sexes here, people. Let’s make some matches and then write to us at editor [at] boundless [dot] org and tell us about it.

Candice: Send us the invitations to the wedding.

[Laughter]

Lisa:  Exactly, yeah. Because I’ve only been to 10 recently. So I want to go to some more.

Candice: You’ve got the wardrobe for it. You know, you might as well…

Lisa:  I know. I even can be in your wedding. Just give me a call.

Candice: Just let her know what colour, people. She’s got the dress!

[Laughter]

Lisa:  Exactly. I can do it.

Well good. Thanks, Candice for weighing in on that.

Candice: You’re welcome, Lisa.

Lisa:  That is it for this week’s show. As always, we want you to submit your questions and your concerns and comments to us at editor [at] boundless [dot] org.

Episode 027

• Listen/ download: http://boundless.typepad.com/podcast/2008/07/the-boundless-3.html
• Blog post: http://www.boundlessline.org/2008/07/cool-but-meanin.html

Lisa Anderson: For this week’s Boundless inbox, we have another question from a female, this time it’s from Lindsay. And I have Candice with me here in the studio to address Lindsay’s question.

Candice Watters: Hi, Lindsay!

Lisa: And here we go. Lindsay says:

“It seems that when you write about marriage in America today—”

And I’m going to say she means you, Candice. We’ll see how this plays out here. [Laughter]

Candice: That’s not your shtick, Lisa…

Lisa: No, I haven’t done much writing on that so far. She says:

“You seem to imply that those of us who are not yet married are not married because that is what we have chosen: we prefer to delay marriage until later in life. And as a remedy to this you give us all kinds of advice on how it’s better to marry young, how to be choosier about the people we date, how to filter through the lot of other singles out there to find a prospective mate, and how to have a correct point of view when dating.

“My question is this: what are we supposed to do when the opposite sex doesn’t even seem to realise we’re single and available? I am 28 years old and have never been on a date. I know lots of single guys. I put myself in appropriate situations in order to be around available guys and get to know them. I’m outgoing and interesting and feel like I have a lot to offer a potential mate. But for some reason that I cannot figure out, I have somehow managed to avoid being asked out by any man, ever. Ever. Not once.”

Awww…

“Other than the whole club/bar (insert any other unappealing means of meeting a man here scene) I don’t know what to do. I have enjoyed my single existence—don’t get me wrong—but I’ve enjoyed it because I tried to make the most out of what life gives me. It is not by choice that I’m still single, but I don’t know what else to do to even spark an interest. Is it possible that I am just undateable?”

Candice: Lindsay, I’m so glad you wrote and I just want to say that it makes me really thankful to know that there are women like you who aren’t intentionally delaying marriage,  because as you have pointed out, that is a problem that we talk about a lot. Let me just make sure, though, that you understand that we don’t just talk about it because we’re trying to slap that label on people. We really do see a trend in our culture of women making decisions in their early twenties that have the effect, whether they intended to or not, of delaying marriage for them. And so this is a recognised problem that we’re addressing.

However, it’s very possible that those articles don’t apply to you. So let me suggest that you focus on a different aspect of what we do also on Boundless, and that is talking about mentoring. I think you’re right that bars aren’t a great place to meet guys, and I encourage you to continue that line of thinking. But I think it’s time for you to enlist some help. And the best way to do that is to start seeking out, through prayer and making invitations, to mentors. You would benefit so much from an older woman—she doesn’t have to be a grandmother, it could be someone who’s just a couple of years further down the road, maybe a woman who’s been married a couple of years. To go out for coffee with you and get to the point where you can ask her candidly, “Look, I’ve never been asked on a date. I do know a lot of good Christian single guys. Are there some blind spots I’m missing? Are there some things that I’m not aware of that make me ‘undateable’?”

You may have some issues that aren’t evident to you. I think we all bring some  version of baggage, whether it’s a little make-up case or a huge steamer trunk, of issues into relationships and so it would be really helpful to just get some objective feedback from somebody whom you trust, who is a godly, mature woman. And then, once you’ve started to work through that with her, as she’s helping you identify areas that may be blind spots, to then come up with a plan for how to start improving in those areas and to make yourself more appropriate… Maybe it’s an attraction issue, maybe it’s a maturity issue, and maybe you send off signals that you love your single life so much that the guys in your life think you really aren’t interested in a change of status. Whatever the case may be, you can start to come up with some action items with this mentor and then have some follow-up with her to see if you’re making progress. At that point I would say it’s appropriate to ask her to help you by, maybe, hosting, maybe she and her husband could host an event at their house and invite some of the guys you know, maybe someone you’re interested in and create opportunities to relate to them in a more relationship-fostering environment.

Lisa: Isn’t it the story you told about the Morkens, where they orchestrated a lot, to the point of just frankly, sometimes telling… Was it them or was it someone else that we’ve been talking about where people go up to, you know, a young man and they’re like, “Have you considered so-and-so?” Sometimes that’s needed.

Candice: I’m not sure it’s the Morkens. Maybe that’s Scott Croft or a different church setting… But the way that the Morkens were helpful to me is that when I identified Steve as someone I thought would really be a great match for me, I went to Mary and talked through those desires with her, and she was able to give me candid feedback on how I was relating to him, and what was appropriate and what wasn’t… And then, I said, “Well let’s have a dinner party and why don’t you come and then I’ll invite Steve,” and of course they were eager participants, willing participants. It would have been completely weird for me to just have Steve over for a quiet one-on-one dinner, but with the Morkens there, it changed everything. Steve was a student of Dr Morken’s, he welcomed the opportunity to have time with his professor outside of class, and so I was creating an opportunity that was very appealing to Steve and in the process we had a chance to connect on a deeper level, with the Morkens knowing that I was interested in him, asking some really good questions that got us thinking.

Lisa: I think I’ll just share quickly from my own experience, Lindsay. I actually had someone come up to me not too long ago, it was a conversation I was having with a guy that I know. And he said something to the effect of, “Well, you do kind of come across as though you have it all together.” Like I wasn’t, there wasn’t a vulnerability there. It was just kind of… I used to fall into the trap of being one of the guys. I would speak whatever they knew, they could talk about I would jump in and talk about that as well—there was really no differentiation between us. I think I’ve had to work on that a lot.

And I also just want to encourage you, Lindsay, that you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out all of your flaws and how you’re going to fix them and whatever. I think at some point, when you’ve done what you could and you’ve done what Candice said, getting mentors and stuff, I always just say, there’s a time when you just have to give—this sounds so cliché—but literally give it back to the Lord and petition him, and say, “Lord, I don’t know why this isn’t working out. I don’t know why this person or this person or this person who seems to be a great match for me isn’t pursuing, or isn’t interested or whatever.” And really, truly, God knows and sometimes it’s best to go back to him and take it up to him.

Candice: Sometimes you do just have to relax. Because maybe you’re giving off a vibe that you’re so intense about it that you scare the guys away. That’s a possibility, too. I love the story that another one of my mentors shared, that she was wanting to go to this big formal event—this was a couple of decades ago, so not that we have that many formals any more. She wanted to go this formal event and needed a date, and she had met this young man who she really was attracted to, but she couldn’t ask him to be her date because back then, that would have been totally inappropriate, and it probably still would be today, but that’s another Q&A… [Laughter] So she said to this young man, “Boy, I’d really like to go to this event. Do you have any friends who are available because I’m looking for an escort?” And he came back and said, “I’ll take you.”

Lisa: Awwwww…

Candice: And it was just her way of signalling to him that she was vulnerable and interested. And, thankfully, he had the courage and the character to be aggressive and take the initiative. They’re married today and have, like, twelve grandkids… Just a really great story.

Lisa:  She is also savvy and resourceful and we support that! [Laughter] Some would say sneaky, but I think it’s good it worked.

Candice: No, no, no, strategic.

Lisa: Strategic, that’s awesome. Strategic planning…

Candice: Sneaky is devious. We don’t want any deviousness.

Lisa. But we support strategic planning and mission statements.

Candice: That’s right.

Lisa: Well, thanks so much, Candice, for addressing that. I’m sure Lindsay will find that beneficial. That is it for the inbox this week. Again, write to us: editor [at] boundless [dot] org. We want to hear from you.